Friday, May 15, 2009

wax rip wax rip

So Not June Cleaver reminded my of a story and I decided to share... for all women.
Several years ago, I heard about this crazy new thing called a Brazilian wax. In case you have been living in an underground bomb shelter for the past 10years, a Brazilian wax is when they wax your entire va jay jay. I know some of you are probably screaming "The horror, the horror" but this was actually appealing to me. I wanted a hair less, stubble free, movie ready va jay jay!

Attempt Number one: The mother of one of Preteen A's friends does this for a living (only preteen A was in Kindergarten at the time) or so I think. My brain says "Wouldn't you rather show your stuff to someone you know and trust vs a stranger? So I call her and make an appt. As I am laying on the waxing table, revealing all my privates, she reveals that she has never done this, but wanted to try it. Great my pitsy is now her guinea pig. So she starts, waxing, we get the nervous giggles, I realize all of a sudden that we are parent chaperone's at the school and she has not only seen but HANDLED my who haa! My lunch hour is up, we clean up the wax, I am partially waxed, bruised and there is NOTHING sexy about the results.

Attempt Number two: Cruising down an aisle in wally world when I see this bright back light to a green box. Brazilian wax, gentle home kit. Sweet! If you want something done right you gotta do it your self. So the instruction say to apply oil to the area you want to wax to keep the wax from adhering to the skin and only the hair. I apply the oil to a small tester spot, I apply the wax and RRRRRRRRRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP. WOW, it worked and the pain minimal! This is awesome, yes, I am applying more wax this time, finally I found something that works... Yes. NO! No nonononononononoooooooooo... I forgot to apply the oil! What have I done? ok ok no need to panic, lets just gently peel the wax off... ouch ouch ouch... it's pulling my skin. ok, lets warm it up with the blow dryer and I can get the wax off... not working now it is just spreading out and sticking to more skin, my va jay jay feels sealed shut from the wax... Ok, lets turn COLD water on int he shower, it will quit spreading and maybe I can break off the wax... holy %@#^ No this is NOT working... I had to shave/pull out all the hair that had been affected to get the wax off... I looked like I tried to "landscape the bush" with a weed wacker.

Attempt Number three: Time to hire a professional. I drive 30 miles to a spa that does this on a regular basis. THEY will know what they are doing and get this job done right. So I go into the little room, expose my who ha and we get started, she hands me cotton and says hold this here, hold that there, don't let go, she is waxing and ripping and waxing and ripping , wax rip wax rip. Finally after I think she has waxed and ripped everything at least 15 times, I tell her... Are you almost done, I can't take anymore... She says yes. She also says that it being the first time, there would be SOME hair left over, that It takes time and more appts to get the final result. She leaves so that I can mourn the violation I had endured and dress oh, and a mirror to see the results... The result? There was still 45% of my hair left! I DID NOT have a movie ready, stubble free va jay jay... and I WASN'T coming back to blow another 70 bucks to have HALF of my hair waxed...

Attempt Number four: Hahaha Are you kidding? No way, I am just gonna stick to my razor from here on out.


  1. LOL! I've tried at home wax before too - & that's all i'm saying. I just kept thinking of this e-mail I received once about the waxing experience that was SO funny. Ya!

  2. OMG, are you nuts? After the first time, that would have been enough for me! I had a great visual of you sitting there with the hair dryer!! LOL....I'm sticking to the razor..

  3. Thanks for the great laugh Lucky. One of the girls I work with swears by an electric razor. She has had a brazilian wax but says that she gets better results from the electric razor. Plus it has to be WAY less painful. You are a brave woman.....

  4. Awesomely hilarious! I too have given up on the whole idea... It's just not worth that kind of pain and humiliation. I think a man came up with this idea. AmD

  5. OUCH! I will live with the hair, thank you very much!