Tuesday, October 4, 2011


I wake up in the middle of the night, blink open my eyes and look at the time 3:16am… My brain foggy, and my eyes closing, I faintly recall thinking to myself “For God so loved the World…”

Up again a couple hours later and I am in the truck while my husband drives me 10 hours to my dad’s funeral. Nothing seems real, the highway passes by in a blur, tears escape from my eyes and I can barely eat. I can’t think about it, I have to set my mind on other things just to function.

 A week later and I am home, back to work and back to school as though nothing has changed. I wish I could wear some sort of ceremonial ribbon, or veil so that the outside world could understand that I am broken… Instead, when acquaintances asks “how are you?” I struggle with how to be honest, without breaking down, or without sounding like I am looking for some sort of pity party. Sometime I can manage to say “I lost my dad recently”, some days I can’t say anything and just nod that I’m fine. I sit in my car preparing myself to walk into the bank and respond to those pleasantries, I look at the clock, 3:16 “…that he gave his only begotten son…”

A month has passed already, I have been an orphan for a month now, or at least that how it feels. Incomplete. Broken. I just can’t come to terms with the fact that I will NEVER get to talk to him again. WHY was I such a chicken, why didn’t I just come out and ask him… “Dad, are you going to heaven, you know we are all sinners, right? No one better or worse than anyone else” I lay awake at night praying for his eternal life, I have to believe that he was saved, I couldn’t bear to think otherwise. How long have I been awake? The time taunts me 3:16 “that who so ever shall believeth in me…”

Two months now have passed; I am defining time between before dad died and after dad died. Will I count time like this forever? Just one last chance to tell him I love him, that’s all I want. Just one last chance to tell him that Jesus loves him. I walk out to another office at work to ask a question, when I turn the corner displayed on dual screens in huge 10 inch letter reads 3:16 “…shall not perish but have everlasting life.” It hits me like a brick wall… All this time, he was trying to tell me, your dad is with me.

I sleep all night for the first time.