Totally Drained

If you followed me here from Spaces, you will know that I take a little boy to and from school everyday. His mother is very poor and has no car. They live too close to the school to catch a bus but to far to walk. So Little A, as I will refer to him has gained and all access pass right into my heart. I try and support him in any way I can... He is such a sweet child.

His mother has made a mess for herself and is being evicted today. She has nowhere to go, not her mother or sisters, no one can or will take her and her 2 kids in. Saturday she called me and asked me if I would take Little A. At first the mother in me screamed yes. Then the reality of the situation sunk in and hubby and I started talking to just about anyone who would listen.

What do I do? Well, we are studying the book of James in small group and I had just finished reading James 1:5-8 and it says

5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

So I prayed long and hard for wisdom. Wisdom did not agree with my bleeding heart. The reality of the situation is that we have not been financially bountiful and are struggling to make make ends meet. We have let go of our last worldly token of pride and I believe since we finally humbled ourselves Hubby has been granted some over time that will help us make ends meet. Wisdom doesn't say to take on another debt.

Wisdom remind me that even if his mother's intention are for him to stay with me for a couple day/weeks, she only has custody of 2 out of 5 of her children. Nothing tells me that she wouldn't disappear knowing he was well taken care of. Then what? the child isn't legally mine, I have no insurance for him, I couldn't enroll him in school, the state would take him or she would come back a year or so later and crush my heart.

I thought that once I made this decision from the wisdom I asked for that my heart wouldn't ache anymore, but that's not true... All I have done is cried for this boy and today I have to tell him that I think it is better that he stay with his mother.

Lord give me strength