Monday, February 16, 2009


A little over a month ago I decided to sign up to be a substitute teacher. In Tennesse you only need a high school diploma, clean drug test and finger printed to qualify. Hey I'm not teaching phsyics, I'm a sub. So I scheduled my training, for february 17th, which is tomorrow, which is a teacher in-service day. Great. So my girls are home, I have to find a sitter. I really hate asking anyone.

Why? Even though they are dear friends, they are new friends. All they know is what they have seen in only 6 months, or should I say allowed them to see. They haven't know me for years, seen the ugly side of me and decided to be stick around and be my friend anyways.
Do they know that I am SO competitive that I push in a game of twister, or get a little ugly when I lose? Do they know that I am not a long stable mature christian? That I was only saved 2 years ago and I still feel really lost most of the time? How about the fact that I never talk to my brother and sister, mom or dad. Typically I don't care, and am glad that I don't ever have to deal the family drama that most people endure, but sometimes I grieve for the relationships that I wish we had. What would they think of me if they knew Hubby and I divorced several years ago, or worse yet, why we divorced... Would they still want to be my friend then? What about when I get upset? I get the mouth of a sailor... (I know I know)

Thing is, when I lived in Florida... I had lots of different friends, People I could talk to about my faith, friends I could cuss in front of, friends I could (gasp) have a drink in front of, friends to talk business, friends who I could cry with etc. The only people I know here are the few ladies from my small group at church and since they are church ladies and new friends I feel very restricted, as though I can't let me hair down and just be myself. (I feel very much like a toddler learning to walk with my faith, every time I get up to walk, I fall flat on my face again and again)

I know one person here in TN that I have known for over 5 years, sadly right now she is making some stupid choices, and honestly I can't hardly stand to be around her, at the same time I miss her so much I cry about it. I don't have to filter anything about me when I am with her.

Making new friends stinks.


  1. It seems to me that anyone who would view you differently for your past is not a long, stable Christian and does not know themself well and their own immaturities. I have been guilty of such a thing myself, and wish I could go back in time and undo all the hurt I caused.

  2. Yes, it does stink. I know what you mean about feeling restricted. Most of those women in your small group wouldn't think less of you if they saw your "ugly side", but I totally understand how hard it is to loosen up around them. It just takes time. Just keep getting back up, dusting yourself off, and taking another step. One day, you'll look around and see that you have a group of very close friends around you who love you just for being you. :o) Hugs, girlie!