Monday, October 5, 2009

just can't make any sense of my feelings

ok, blog sisters... I really need you here... I have previously mentioned the idea of having another baby... but it was really all talk and no action... Until recently.

Hubby took me out to lunch(that should have been my first clue) and toward the end of our meal he said "We need to talk" oh great, I'm thinking, what did I screw up now? "I've been thinking about this for a while now and I do want to have another baby, now I don't want you to make any decisions right away, just think about it" ok sure, I'll think about it...

Here's the problem, my decision changes with the wind. One day I feel all maternal and lovey and we took our girls to the library and hubby picked out a book "Preconception diet, Boy-Diet A, Girl-Diet B" which was fine until I saw that it was written in 1982,and it said "based on recent discoveries about the use of alcohol during pregnancy, we have omitted them from the diet" and the first day mentions Cow Tongue...Sorry sweet heart, I don't love you that much.

Then the wind blows and I remember that I have a (almost)12 yr old and 9 yr old. So that means when the new baby FINALLY starts kindergarten, the girls will be juniors and freshmen in HS. Seriously?

Then, directional wind change... we have 2 girls, and I would guess if we only had boys that I would long for a girl... Would I? Not June, do you ever wished your had gone one more time to get a girl? Stacy? any regrets ladies? I NEED TO KNOW!

Quite frankly, and I know this is might sound strange, but I am way more in love with my hubby now than when we had babies... we were still kids our selves... (I was 22 and 25 when they were born) I think experiencing having a child with this man would be exciting... and completely different from the first two, when he thought I had aliens in my belly and didn't even want to feel them kick...

And then I feel like Lynette from Desperate housewives after she found out she was pregnant... Here watch Hormones

I sometimes feel like I am too old to have more, and then realize that the reason I hang out with woman 10-15 years older than me is because we have the same ages kids and they all started at my age... Started... See I had my two girls at age 22 and age 25, I am now 34... Which I am having a hard time gripping with that I am not too old... I actually had convinced myself that it was too late... Door shut... seems it never got shut all the way...

How does anyone PLAN to have a child? I am a train wreck... My thoughts are scrambled, as is this post (sorry) One day I am ready to just let God bless me in what ever way he sees fit, and then the next I think... yeah right... have you not seen the sense of humor he has? He'll bless me alright, with twins and before you know it, I have have 3 more...

I just can't make any sense of my feelings, hormones, maternal desires... Do I want this, or do I want this for Hubby? Will I resent him? Will I flourish?


I truly don't know what I want.


  1. I had these same thoughts not so long ago. But I looked around and really thought about all the things that another baby would change both good and bad. I love the life that we have as a family of 3. After some thought I couldn't imagine adding to us, we are right just as we are.
    Search your heart and listen to the hubs and you two make the decision that is best for you at this time in your life.

  2. First of all, you are NOT too old. I am 43 and I am just approaching too old.

    THink about it this way: Are ALL members of your family here yet? If someone is missing then it may be a baby that isn't here.

  3. Are you ready for the "up all nights"? and the nightly feedings? and the spitting up all over everything? what about the diapers? and formula? can you afford that? Im not trying to be mean just asking cause everyone loves the cute all dressed up and sweet smiling babies. But its really mom who does all the work. Some men are the exceptions, but somebody does have to sleep at night so they can go to work the next day.
    But NO you arent too old and if you want it more than anything then go for it!!!!
    Good luck!!!

  4. This is such a tough question. I think the fact that you are asking it means that having a baby would not be all bad. I think the biggest question is do you want to start all over? Does that sound exciting or daunting? I think the answer lies there somewhere.

  5. Wow - There is so much I want to tell you. I just sat down here to read real quick before I head out to soccer. I will collect my thoughts and get back to you this evening or tomorrow.

  6. Ok, so here goes:

    I love having my 3 boyz. I both love and hate the age difference between the older two and the little one. I know what you are facing as I have a Jr in HS and Little S in Kindergarten. Little S is actually our 4th child, we lost one almost 4 years before Little S was born.

    I love that we have a little one for some of the same reasons you stated. We were very young when we had the other two. There wasn't a whole lot of patients ot time to spend with them. Our priorities were different.

    The only thing that I would change (and get ready for this one) is that I would have had 2. Sometimes I feel that Little S gets the raw end of the deal. He is many times left out or left behind. But on the other hand, he also gets extra time with me & hubby.

    I do not regret having him at all and he has been more of a blessing to us than I could have ever imagined. Our life would not be complete with out him. I love what Shana asked you - Does you family feel complete?

    And one last piece of advice, if you don't mind: Ask God. Pray about it. He will answer you.

    I could probably go on and on here and I am not even sure if I helped you or answered your questions at all. Please feel free to email me if you want to talk more. (

    Take care and I will pray for you.

  7. in response to your comment on "wish i was here:" boy1 is going to school in nashville, i'm sure i'll be in your neck of the woods sometime in the next couple of years. =D

  8. I had my kids (all girls) when I was almost 38, 40, and 42 - no choice because I did not get married until I was 36.
    There is every combination of families that you can think of, and there are advantages and disadvantages to all those combinations.
    Most women question themsleves about the the "baby choice" for a while, sometimes years. I went through two years of wondering if I should have one more, even at the ages of 43 and 44. But then, one day the feeling was gone. I was satisfied.
    I know two women who had surprise babies when they were over 40 and both were upset when they found out they were pregnant, but after the babies were born, an unimaginable love happened and they are now just going with the flow.
    Focus on enjoying your life and the answer will come.