Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Worthy enough?

In January 1984, as my parents were tucking me into bed, they announced that they were getting a divorce. It was the first time I saw my dad cry. The next day it was the first time I realized that not all dad's drink.
In April 1984 my mom was remarried and we moved to a new town.
In July 1984, Not to be outdone by my mom, my dad remarried and moved his new family into my old house.
In Septemeber I entered the middle school, and on top of going through the normal pains of adolsence, I was the first person I ever heard of who's parents got divorced and remarried, and had step-parent, step-siblings, new grandparents and aunt and uncles... the whole thing was quite confusing.
I received a flyer to sign up for big brother/big sister... OH how I wanted someone to talk to, other than my m - o - m. I mean really, what could she POSSIBLY understand??? Unfornatually, it required a parents permission to sign up. When I mentioned it, my mom was appalled! I was told my life was not SO BAD... there are alot of people out there with it much worse than you... I can't say that I disagreed, but it didn't make the hurt I was going through any less. I believed that I could be taking the place of someone who "really" needed it.
Fast Forward 7 yrs...
My step dad was drinking and driving and killed in a car accident.
Fast Forward 20 yrs...
I have looked up alanon many times over the years, but could never get myself to actually go... The same feelings from 1984 emerged, that i didn't have it AS bad as some, and my grief/saddness wasn't worthy of attending.
The desire to connect and attend is stronger then it's ever been. I have looked up meetings, mapquested the locations, checked my schedule... but, what if I show up, share my story/grief/experience and the others, the ones who REALLY need it look at me and say... "That's it? That's all you got? Please sister, you don't know HOW good you had it" and once again my feelings are dismissed as invalid.

2 comments:

  1. your story is real and the feelings are intense and life isn't about impressing each other with "bigger scar" stories. it's about supporting and loving....((hugs)) Go to the meeting and give them a chance....

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