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Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
I'm Back!!!
I was on vacation last week, I should have told you guys... but on top of getting ready for vacation, my in-laws blessed me with their presence up until the DAY WE LEFT! I was getting work stuff ready and still digesting the news about my dad's health.
Enjoy some vacation photos... It's Monday, my first day back and I am running behind...
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Worthy enough?
In January 1984, as my parents were tucking me into bed, they announced that they were getting a divorce. It was the first time I saw my dad cry. The next day it was the first time I realized that not all dad's drink.
In April 1984 my mom was remarried and we moved to a new town.
In July 1984, Not to be outdone by my mom, my dad remarried and moved his new family into my old house.
In Septemeber I entered the middle school, and on top of going through the normal pains of adolsence, I was the first person I ever heard of who's parents got divorced and remarried, and had step-parent, step-siblings, new grandparents and aunt and uncles... the whole thing was quite confusing.
I received a flyer to sign up for big brother/big sister... OH how I wanted someone to talk to, other than my m - o - m. I mean really, what could she POSSIBLY understand??? Unfornatually, it required a parents permission to sign up. When I mentioned it, my mom was appalled! I was told my life was not SO BAD... there are alot of people out there with it much worse than you... I can't say that I disagreed, but it didn't make the hurt I was going through any less. I believed that I could be taking the place of someone who "really" needed it.
Fast Forward 7 yrs...
My step dad was drinking and driving and killed in a car accident.
Fast Forward 20 yrs...
I have looked up alanon many times over the years, but could never get myself to actually go... The same feelings from 1984 emerged, that i didn't have it AS bad as some, and my grief/saddness wasn't worthy of attending.
The desire to connect and attend is stronger then it's ever been. I have looked up meetings, mapquested the locations, checked my schedule... but, what if I show up, share my story/grief/experience and the others, the ones who REALLY need it look at me and say... "That's it? That's all you got? Please sister, you don't know HOW good you had it" and once again my feelings are dismissed as invalid.
In April 1984 my mom was remarried and we moved to a new town.
In July 1984, Not to be outdone by my mom, my dad remarried and moved his new family into my old house.
In Septemeber I entered the middle school, and on top of going through the normal pains of adolsence, I was the first person I ever heard of who's parents got divorced and remarried, and had step-parent, step-siblings, new grandparents and aunt and uncles... the whole thing was quite confusing.
I received a flyer to sign up for big brother/big sister... OH how I wanted someone to talk to, other than my m - o - m. I mean really, what could she POSSIBLY understand??? Unfornatually, it required a parents permission to sign up. When I mentioned it, my mom was appalled! I was told my life was not SO BAD... there are alot of people out there with it much worse than you... I can't say that I disagreed, but it didn't make the hurt I was going through any less. I believed that I could be taking the place of someone who "really" needed it.
Fast Forward 7 yrs...
My step dad was drinking and driving and killed in a car accident.
Fast Forward 20 yrs...
I have looked up alanon many times over the years, but could never get myself to actually go... The same feelings from 1984 emerged, that i didn't have it AS bad as some, and my grief/saddness wasn't worthy of attending.
The desire to connect and attend is stronger then it's ever been. I have looked up meetings, mapquested the locations, checked my schedule... but, what if I show up, share my story/grief/experience and the others, the ones who REALLY need it look at me and say... "That's it? That's all you got? Please sister, you don't know HOW good you had it" and once again my feelings are dismissed as invalid.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Dad
Just to let you know, I finally heard from my friend in Qatar... She has had no technology access, and when she finally got email access, she had a million to go through... So she is there, safe and sound...
Just when I though I could breathe easier about that... I got a sucker punch to the gut.
Juy 1st - May dad called, he wanted to tell me that he had a bunch of tests and surgery/procedure done the week before. He wasn't going to tell me anything until he got the results of the test, but my step-mom slipped and mentioned something to my brother. He knew I'd be upset if I heard second-hand (and he was right) so he wanted to let me know that it took place, but he was not going to tell me what he had done, not until the results came back in another week. Since he's 64, I'm thinking prostate...
July 8th - I waited all day for his call, at 5pm on my wayto show a house I decide to call. He won't tell me, and hands the phone off to my step-mom. He has cirrhosis of the liver. He is already coughing up blood, and...
...and unless he makes and extreme lifestyle change, the disease will progress very quickly.
I can assure you he has no plans to make any changes, and more than anything in the world, what breaks my heart more than anything...I just wish he valued his life as much as I value his life.
Just when I though I could breathe easier about that... I got a sucker punch to the gut.
Juy 1st - May dad called, he wanted to tell me that he had a bunch of tests and surgery/procedure done the week before. He wasn't going to tell me anything until he got the results of the test, but my step-mom slipped and mentioned something to my brother. He knew I'd be upset if I heard second-hand (and he was right) so he wanted to let me know that it took place, but he was not going to tell me what he had done, not until the results came back in another week. Since he's 64, I'm thinking prostate...
July 8th - I waited all day for his call, at 5pm on my wayto show a house I decide to call. He won't tell me, and hands the phone off to my step-mom. He has cirrhosis of the liver. He is already coughing up blood, and...
...and unless he makes and extreme lifestyle change, the disease will progress very quickly.
I can assure you he has no plans to make any changes, and more than anything in the world, what breaks my heart more than anything...I just wish he valued his life as much as I value his life.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Uhhh
I'm not really prepared for 2 posts in a row...
Since yesterday's post was "reflective" today will be not so deep.
My friend moved to Doha, Qatar, her flight left on July 4th, and I have yet to hear from her. All I want is a simple "Yes we landed" "yes we arrived safely" SOMETHING!
We haven't lived near each other in years, but we have always had the same schedule, so we talked in the morning during our commute to work at least 3 times a week.
Now she is 7 hours ahead of us, so at 7am, when I am driving to work, it is 2pm there and she'll be working, at 5pm when I am driving home it will be midnight her time.
I miss her more than she knows. Sigh.
Ok ok ok, I'm whining...
My babies come home from Ohio on Sunday, I am excited to see them... In fact, they even made me laugh today...
It seems Little P left her facebook open, so Teen A updated her status to " I like poop" Several hours and tons of strange comments later Little P Wrote "Sister, Im a gonna kill you!"
Bahahahaaaaa
Since yesterday's post was "reflective" today will be not so deep.
My friend moved to Doha, Qatar, her flight left on July 4th, and I have yet to hear from her. All I want is a simple "Yes we landed" "yes we arrived safely" SOMETHING!
We haven't lived near each other in years, but we have always had the same schedule, so we talked in the morning during our commute to work at least 3 times a week.
Now she is 7 hours ahead of us, so at 7am, when I am driving to work, it is 2pm there and she'll be working, at 5pm when I am driving home it will be midnight her time.
I miss her more than she knows. Sigh.
Ok ok ok, I'm whining...
My babies come home from Ohio on Sunday, I am excited to see them... In fact, they even made me laugh today...
It seems Little P left her facebook open, so Teen A updated her status to " I like poop" Several hours and tons of strange comments later Little P Wrote "Sister, Im a gonna kill you!"
Bahahahaaaaa
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Long weekends...
I completely missed my monday post, and then let tuesday slip through my fingers as well. So you get to hear from me today and (hopefully) again tomorrow! Yipee!
So... I only had ONE person respond to my "What's the most amazing thing you ever saw?" question. Wow... Did you read what she wrote in the comments? You should.
I have seen some amazing sights in my life, historic buildings, natural wonders, and the birth of my babies. But while I was thinking about my own question, it came to this... What have I had an opportunity to see that most others have not. The answer then became clear.
2003, I worked at Kennedy Space Center, I watched my first Shuttle Launch from work, the closest you can get... It was spectacular. Unfornatually that same shuttle never returned. Months and months after the recovery and investigation, employees were given an opportunity few people could imagine. You see, each piece of the shuttle was returned to KSC and placed in a warehouse where a grid was taped out on the floor, each piece was retured to it's original location within the grid. We got to tour the wreckage. It was very emotional.
As you are walking around the grid of wreckage, there are notes to explain what you are looking at, and then as I came around a corner, I saw something that I will never forget, and brought me to tears. They displayed the whiteboard where the children and spouses wrote notes to their loved ones. I can't remember the specific words, but there was adult handwriting to "Be Safe" and childrens handwriting "I'll miss you daddy"
The sight of the Shuttle Columbia left me speechless, the haunting words of the surviving family members brought me to tears.
- Rick D. Husband - Commander
- William C. McCool - Pilot
- Michael P. Anderson
- David M. Brown
- Kalpana Chawla
- Laurel Clark
- Ilan Ramon - first Israeli in space
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